I see it now in Ireland, a woman Natasha O'Brien, spoke out after her attacker was given a suspended sentence. She just released a documentary with our national broadcaster RTE and the backlash has been swift, mainly from men but also women. She is not quiet enough, she wants attention, she dresses in the wrong way, even her voice is wrong, she smiles too much.
It's disturbing although not surprising.
Women, and I would include my own younger self in this, where I thought it was ok to call a woman a slut, because I had been called that, think it's normal to do this. To denounce our peers for their lack pf purity and perfection, ignoring that we are only hurting ourselves, our sisters and daughters by continuing to demand women be perfect victims and perfect people as we strive to be.
We place ourselves on pedestals, pretending to be some weird ethereal beings beyond the realms of normal humanity. I am still not a perfect feminist, if such a thing exists. I catch myself being awful sometimes, but I recognise it, that socialisation of the early 2000's rearing it's ugly head.
Also, as an aside, the case you quoted about the CEO raping a woman every few months- my father investigated a case identical to this, but in France. It was deeply disturbing, the entire office knew and were terrified that they would be next. Shocking perhaps but not surprising.
" We place ourselves on pedestals, pretending to be some weird ethereal beings beyond the realms of normal humanity " - yes, 100%. Though of course, we are half of humanity.
I think it's important that we, also, recognize that we grew up in a misogynistic society, and we all have to work against that. We as women also demand too much of women.
“They support it because they do not want to admit, even to themselves, that they are oppressed.” This. It’s often so difficult to come to terms with that. I felt so long that I wasn’t oppressed by my husband even though he was abusive, and then when I admitted I was, I felt I deserved it.
Thank you so much for reading! It means a lot to me - especially because I love your approach of bringing humor to serious issues (and highly questionable men).
The white women I know who support the patriarchy do so because it’s easier. They agree with their husbands because it’s easier. They don’t read the news themselves because it’s easier.
Disagreeing with men is harder, more dangerous, and requires effort. Who wants to think when it’s easier to let your man do the thinking for you?
It’s frustrating and maddening. And yet we need these women to join us. Feminism needs to build bridges instead of burning them down.
That’s why I love your new title “Feminism for all.” This has always been my dream for feminism. It’s such a careful balancing act to attract these women instead of attacking them.
I see you doing your best to walk that line — to inform with facts instead of condemning with blanket statements against “all white women,” or “hating all men.” Yet I cringe when I hear the stats of the percentage of black women who voted for Kamala Harris compared to white women. I cry inside when you write that survivors are often the ones to attack other survivors.
You educate us about the problem so we know what we need to overcome. Your writing is restrained and not inflammatory.
Thank you for another outstanding, thoughtful article about the complicated challenges we face.
There is a MAGA man who reads and often restacks my posts. I thanked him yesterday and he replied that he likes my posts because I tell my stories so honestly and I make him really think. One small win, not enough to make a difference but a sign that bridge building is possible.
You are a bridge builder not a bridge burner. That is rare and required if we are to reach our goals.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment, and all your support!
And thank you for seeing that I'm trying to build bridges, and increase inclusion & working together by challenging assumptions and behaviors that most of us have learned through a misogynistic, racist (etc.) world. I deeply appreciate that, too.
I've had a lot of messages from people who said they felt excluded by feminism, and that my writing has helped them become more to open. Like your MAGA reader. I think small wins are wonderful - if we can change one opinion genuinely, that's huge.
Women also follow what is modeled by older women & I think some of them were voting out of familial/tribal loyalty. Women are proud of being the backbone of their families. Unfortunately some white women think that means upholding white supremacy while they see it as being protective. (Even tho it means they will be screwed by many policies, especially in rural areas) Such women (like Phyllis Schafley) were very active in fighting school integration. Whereas for Black women voting Democratic is supportive & protective of their families & communities. My family is almost entirely solid Dem voters but that's kind of rare among (gentile) white families it's generally more of a mix.
This isn't just an essay—it's an exorcism of the pretty lies we tell ourselves about feminism, safety, and sisterhood. You named the betrayals that too often hide behind smiles, solidarity slogans, and "believe women" hashtags. And you did it without flinching.
Thank you for refusing to sanitize the truth. Thank you for showing that complicity wears many faces, including our own.
"Many women, I think, resist feminism because it is an agony to be fully conscious of the brutal misogyny which permeates culture, society, and all personal relationships." Very true and arguably a reflection of the agony of semi-consciousness that permeates culture, society, and all personal relationships? For although we raised to imagine being fully conscious because we have the language skills of interpersonal & self-communication, we remain consciously unaware how our nervous system facilities the synchronous nature of every behaviour.
With the cold hard truth being that at this stage of human evolution, we behave like self-ignorant, semi-conscious, talking-heads, who have no knowledge or awareness of 'how' we actually do Being Human. Feeding our communication biased consciousness with the 'sounds & symbols' nature of language, and subconsciously conflating subjective & objective reality within our imaginal-mind's. Having been 'induced' into the consensual sense-of-reality society functions by, during our infancy. Yet the truth is that no human being can currently explain 'how' we perform the quintessential behaviours involved in being human.
Hopefully the current Zeitgeist we force us to synthesise all the new information about the unseen reality of the universe & the unseen reality of the human body, so the next phase of evolution can begin? Yet l fear the problem of the educated Ego and difficult it will be for people to admit their profound Self-ignorance? Even though developing a visceral sense of ignorance does help with understanding the implicit meaning of Socrates' "knowledge is the only good, ignorance the only Evil." As well the painful truth of Jesus' "they seeing see not, they hearing hear not, and neither do they understand."
How perceive the world through a 'matrix-of-allusion' that Veils the true nature of reality with the reality-labelling words that mere conform to the surface level of reality our eyes see. Hence the unpalatable truth that we behave like semi-conscious talking-heads who 'pretend' to be fully conscious. Anyone can prove this reality to themselves by taking the naked-truth challenge to our communication-biased consciousness. By standing before a full-length mirror, preferably naked, and asking this via-negative Socratic method Question. Will 'naming' what my eyes can see with any other words I can possibly 'imagine' change the reality my eyes are actually seeing?
Contemplating the truth of the undeniable answer for a while has a Spiritual awakening effect on our sense-of-reality. And begins an embodiment process that raises an awareness of being the Living Spirit of Creation. As you begin to balance a conscious sense-of-knowing with a sense-of-noticing. Like noticing the subconsciously synchronous way words can come to mind with the sight of familiar objects, and familiar sounds. Yet with a conscious awareness of the reality-labelling nature of those familiar words. Even an awareness that there are 7000 different languages in our world, and hundreds of sounds and symbols for recognising the reality of only One Sun 🌞 Think about that, please 🙏
:) .. There are few points though I would like to write. Unlearning Sexism is still a privilege when it comes to certain communities but this point will/can never be applied for white women. White women benefit from patriarchal structures a lot since it does still revolve around eurocentric ideas. BIPOC women on other hand even survivors due to having bare minimum to 0 access to resources that can protect them including therapy can fall into the cycle of rape culture. It takes ages to change their mind but unlike their white counterparts they are ready to unlearn rape culture. This is my assumption/opinion and please feel free to add your thoughts to it if you would like to.
I strongly disagree. I'm not here to vilify white women, I'm here to build bridges and fight misogyny and racism. Which is why I don't believe in absolutes, in the context of your comment, "white women" and "BIPOC women" having "0 resources". Nor do I think we should ever base our opinions on assumptions, which is why each of my essays is heavily researched.
For example, I'm Indian-American. On average, the Indian-American and Taiwanese-American woman makes $1.10 for every $1.00 a white man makes (a white woman makes $0.83 for every $1.00 a white man makes), but a Pakistani-American woman averages only $0.55. Access to therapy or other paid resources, therefore, isn't so much of a problem. We definitely have disadvantages still, and I've experienced a lot of racism.
I grew up rooted in both American and Indian cultures. I don't see either Indian-Americans or Indians are being "ready to unlearn rape culture" nor being "unlike their white counterparts" in doing so. Both BIPOC and white folks are both willing and unwilling to unlearn it. The issue is complicated by white perception that BIPOC folks are more problematic.
Issues are complicated. We need to be informed and nuanced in our discussions around them.
Okay, so just to be clear so when you are talking about issues here, is it just American society based? It is interesting what you have written and stated here. I mean as Indian who has lived in Europe for more than a decade and interacted with those from BIPOC community and white community (from different economical background), lot of white women had access to things that BIPOC women did not have, even though on papers it felt like they did or the "laws stated" they did. We had leftist women who still gave into the idea about BIPOC folks being more problematic while BIPOC women are meant to be "saved" . These same would get angry or confused at the very notion that most of us did not agree with their ideas. And in many white dominated countries like the Scandinavian ones access to therapy where therapists understood different background and culture even when it comes to Trauma is restricted and pay gap is very different from the American one. I do not think anyone wants to vilify white women but most would like them to be held accountable, like one would want Indian communities who even after growing up outside practice certain casteist thing under the name of culture and come up with an excuse for it. There is privilege that stops them from unlearning certain behaviour because privilege does exist. Genuinely, how would the gap be bridged when accountability is lacking. This has been continuously shown over and over again that white feminist tears and their infantilization has lead to this point atleast in the countries I have lived (there are many BIPOC feminists including a Swedish one I follow who have addressed it). Also, when you say you are trying to bridge the gap, is it between White American women and American Indian women?
I've also lived in Berlin (Germany) for a bit, so I'm speaking of broader East v. West, white versus non-white.
I agree with your latter comment, which is more nuanced - the part about the first longer comment you left that I disagreed with was the broadness of it. I agree that both white women and Indian culture have a lot of work left - different types of work. I mean, we also have to acknowledge that within Indian culture, our men have a lot of work to do in recognizing how harmful the culture can be for women. Agree that privilege makes learning & change more difficult.
What I mean by "bridges" is that I try to write with nuance so as not to alien anyone. eg., I want to call attention to things like racism and privilege, but not alienate people so they don't read what I write, to strike a balance between challenging old ideas and educating without making people as if they're the bad guy.
I agree that there's work to be done from white women (a white woman just left a comment saying my writing was the beginning of her recognizing her white fragility). When I say "bridges", that's the sort of impact i'm looking to have. I've had other white folks and men say they've learned a lot from my writing/work here, and in real life. I want to have that type of impact in the future - I think it's the best way to solve societal problems (racism, misogyny, etc).
Berlin is very different from say Munich or Frankfurt or even the east areas of Germany ( where BIPOC communities are not safe in Germany and open nazi behavior exists). I think you are aware of this point since you have lived in Berlin. Not countering your point just adding an extra statement here.
I am glad you are trying to spread awareness in the way you think you can make changes and even if it changes few people, as you have mentioned, it is a progressive step in right direction. So good luck with it.
Got me all the way together. I have been an exhausted survivor over the past few years — my menopause journey taking most of my attention and my soul desiring to just check out, especially given all that is going on in the world right now.
I spent several decades in advocation and support of both women and men survivors, without spending any time healing my own. Outside of sharing my stories, I have not been compelled in recent to take up any mantle.
But I see that now more than ever there is a need to return to the fight.
If not for my daughter and the countless adoptive daughters I’ve helped raise; if not for my Sons and trans Sons and adoptive Sons and how they should show up in this world for women and themselves; if not for little-me, unprotected and passed around and left to raise herself with no tools. Even if all I can muster right now is educating myself, watching, listening and finding where I can apply my own wisdom and support, at least I rejoin the fight. I forgive myself for growing weary and give myself grace for why. But I am here, I am listening, I am ready.
“I’m less interested in the why of women behave misogynistically toward each other, and more damning of the fact that they do.” Thank you, once again.
💜
Excellent as always.
I see it now in Ireland, a woman Natasha O'Brien, spoke out after her attacker was given a suspended sentence. She just released a documentary with our national broadcaster RTE and the backlash has been swift, mainly from men but also women. She is not quiet enough, she wants attention, she dresses in the wrong way, even her voice is wrong, she smiles too much.
It's disturbing although not surprising.
Women, and I would include my own younger self in this, where I thought it was ok to call a woman a slut, because I had been called that, think it's normal to do this. To denounce our peers for their lack pf purity and perfection, ignoring that we are only hurting ourselves, our sisters and daughters by continuing to demand women be perfect victims and perfect people as we strive to be.
We place ourselves on pedestals, pretending to be some weird ethereal beings beyond the realms of normal humanity. I am still not a perfect feminist, if such a thing exists. I catch myself being awful sometimes, but I recognise it, that socialisation of the early 2000's rearing it's ugly head.
Also, as an aside, the case you quoted about the CEO raping a woman every few months- my father investigated a case identical to this, but in France. It was deeply disturbing, the entire office knew and were terrified that they would be next. Shocking perhaps but not surprising.
Love your work Jo. Thanks for all you do.
" We place ourselves on pedestals, pretending to be some weird ethereal beings beyond the realms of normal humanity " - yes, 100%. Though of course, we are half of humanity.
I think it's important that we, also, recognize that we grew up in a misogynistic society, and we all have to work against that. We as women also demand too much of women.
Thank you for reading!
“They support it because they do not want to admit, even to themselves, that they are oppressed.” This. It’s often so difficult to come to terms with that. I felt so long that I wasn’t oppressed by my husband even though he was abusive, and then when I admitted I was, I felt I deserved it.
I'm so sorry you went through that 💜
Yes, I think it's really hard to admit that to ourselves. And that's what makes addressing rape & abuse so hard for so many of us.
Absolutely. Thanks for writing this. I always love your insights.
Thank you so much for reading! It means a lot to me - especially because I love your approach of bringing humor to serious issues (and highly questionable men).
The white women I know who support the patriarchy do so because it’s easier. They agree with their husbands because it’s easier. They don’t read the news themselves because it’s easier.
Disagreeing with men is harder, more dangerous, and requires effort. Who wants to think when it’s easier to let your man do the thinking for you?
It’s frustrating and maddening. And yet we need these women to join us. Feminism needs to build bridges instead of burning them down.
That’s why I love your new title “Feminism for all.” This has always been my dream for feminism. It’s such a careful balancing act to attract these women instead of attacking them.
I see you doing your best to walk that line — to inform with facts instead of condemning with blanket statements against “all white women,” or “hating all men.” Yet I cringe when I hear the stats of the percentage of black women who voted for Kamala Harris compared to white women. I cry inside when you write that survivors are often the ones to attack other survivors.
You educate us about the problem so we know what we need to overcome. Your writing is restrained and not inflammatory.
Thank you for another outstanding, thoughtful article about the complicated challenges we face.
There is a MAGA man who reads and often restacks my posts. I thanked him yesterday and he replied that he likes my posts because I tell my stories so honestly and I make him really think. One small win, not enough to make a difference but a sign that bridge building is possible.
You are a bridge builder not a bridge burner. That is rare and required if we are to reach our goals.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment, and all your support!
And thank you for seeing that I'm trying to build bridges, and increase inclusion & working together by challenging assumptions and behaviors that most of us have learned through a misogynistic, racist (etc.) world. I deeply appreciate that, too.
I've had a lot of messages from people who said they felt excluded by feminism, and that my writing has helped them become more to open. Like your MAGA reader. I think small wins are wonderful - if we can change one opinion genuinely, that's huge.
Women also follow what is modeled by older women & I think some of them were voting out of familial/tribal loyalty. Women are proud of being the backbone of their families. Unfortunately some white women think that means upholding white supremacy while they see it as being protective. (Even tho it means they will be screwed by many policies, especially in rural areas) Such women (like Phyllis Schafley) were very active in fighting school integration. Whereas for Black women voting Democratic is supportive & protective of their families & communities. My family is almost entirely solid Dem voters but that's kind of rare among (gentile) white families it's generally more of a mix.
Whew. Read every word. Sat with it. Let it burn.
This isn't just an essay—it's an exorcism of the pretty lies we tell ourselves about feminism, safety, and sisterhood. You named the betrayals that too often hide behind smiles, solidarity slogans, and "believe women" hashtags. And you did it without flinching.
Thank you for refusing to sanitize the truth. Thank you for showing that complicity wears many faces, including our own.
Thank you so much!
It's hard to work through the pretty & petty lies we tell ourselves to comfort ourselves, but we also need to do so.
This is excellent, thank you for writing it
Thanks for reading 💜
"Many women, I think, resist feminism because it is an agony to be fully conscious of the brutal misogyny which permeates culture, society, and all personal relationships." Very true and arguably a reflection of the agony of semi-consciousness that permeates culture, society, and all personal relationships? For although we raised to imagine being fully conscious because we have the language skills of interpersonal & self-communication, we remain consciously unaware how our nervous system facilities the synchronous nature of every behaviour.
With the cold hard truth being that at this stage of human evolution, we behave like self-ignorant, semi-conscious, talking-heads, who have no knowledge or awareness of 'how' we actually do Being Human. Feeding our communication biased consciousness with the 'sounds & symbols' nature of language, and subconsciously conflating subjective & objective reality within our imaginal-mind's. Having been 'induced' into the consensual sense-of-reality society functions by, during our infancy. Yet the truth is that no human being can currently explain 'how' we perform the quintessential behaviours involved in being human.
Hopefully the current Zeitgeist we force us to synthesise all the new information about the unseen reality of the universe & the unseen reality of the human body, so the next phase of evolution can begin? Yet l fear the problem of the educated Ego and difficult it will be for people to admit their profound Self-ignorance? Even though developing a visceral sense of ignorance does help with understanding the implicit meaning of Socrates' "knowledge is the only good, ignorance the only Evil." As well the painful truth of Jesus' "they seeing see not, they hearing hear not, and neither do they understand."
How perceive the world through a 'matrix-of-allusion' that Veils the true nature of reality with the reality-labelling words that mere conform to the surface level of reality our eyes see. Hence the unpalatable truth that we behave like semi-conscious talking-heads who 'pretend' to be fully conscious. Anyone can prove this reality to themselves by taking the naked-truth challenge to our communication-biased consciousness. By standing before a full-length mirror, preferably naked, and asking this via-negative Socratic method Question. Will 'naming' what my eyes can see with any other words I can possibly 'imagine' change the reality my eyes are actually seeing?
Contemplating the truth of the undeniable answer for a while has a Spiritual awakening effect on our sense-of-reality. And begins an embodiment process that raises an awareness of being the Living Spirit of Creation. As you begin to balance a conscious sense-of-knowing with a sense-of-noticing. Like noticing the subconsciously synchronous way words can come to mind with the sight of familiar objects, and familiar sounds. Yet with a conscious awareness of the reality-labelling nature of those familiar words. Even an awareness that there are 7000 different languages in our world, and hundreds of sounds and symbols for recognising the reality of only One Sun 🌞 Think about that, please 🙏
Thank you for reading & sharing. I really appreciate the spiritual/ego-related elements you drew from my essay 💜
This! You spoke my mind regarding few issues. Thanks for writing such an excellent article.
Thank you for the kind words. And you are welcome :)
:) .. There are few points though I would like to write. Unlearning Sexism is still a privilege when it comes to certain communities but this point will/can never be applied for white women. White women benefit from patriarchal structures a lot since it does still revolve around eurocentric ideas. BIPOC women on other hand even survivors due to having bare minimum to 0 access to resources that can protect them including therapy can fall into the cycle of rape culture. It takes ages to change their mind but unlike their white counterparts they are ready to unlearn rape culture. This is my assumption/opinion and please feel free to add your thoughts to it if you would like to.
I strongly disagree. I'm not here to vilify white women, I'm here to build bridges and fight misogyny and racism. Which is why I don't believe in absolutes, in the context of your comment, "white women" and "BIPOC women" having "0 resources". Nor do I think we should ever base our opinions on assumptions, which is why each of my essays is heavily researched.
For example, I'm Indian-American. On average, the Indian-American and Taiwanese-American woman makes $1.10 for every $1.00 a white man makes (a white woman makes $0.83 for every $1.00 a white man makes), but a Pakistani-American woman averages only $0.55. Access to therapy or other paid resources, therefore, isn't so much of a problem. We definitely have disadvantages still, and I've experienced a lot of racism.
I grew up rooted in both American and Indian cultures. I don't see either Indian-Americans or Indians are being "ready to unlearn rape culture" nor being "unlike their white counterparts" in doing so. Both BIPOC and white folks are both willing and unwilling to unlearn it. The issue is complicated by white perception that BIPOC folks are more problematic.
Issues are complicated. We need to be informed and nuanced in our discussions around them.
Okay, so just to be clear so when you are talking about issues here, is it just American society based? It is interesting what you have written and stated here. I mean as Indian who has lived in Europe for more than a decade and interacted with those from BIPOC community and white community (from different economical background), lot of white women had access to things that BIPOC women did not have, even though on papers it felt like they did or the "laws stated" they did. We had leftist women who still gave into the idea about BIPOC folks being more problematic while BIPOC women are meant to be "saved" . These same would get angry or confused at the very notion that most of us did not agree with their ideas. And in many white dominated countries like the Scandinavian ones access to therapy where therapists understood different background and culture even when it comes to Trauma is restricted and pay gap is very different from the American one. I do not think anyone wants to vilify white women but most would like them to be held accountable, like one would want Indian communities who even after growing up outside practice certain casteist thing under the name of culture and come up with an excuse for it. There is privilege that stops them from unlearning certain behaviour because privilege does exist. Genuinely, how would the gap be bridged when accountability is lacking. This has been continuously shown over and over again that white feminist tears and their infantilization has lead to this point atleast in the countries I have lived (there are many BIPOC feminists including a Swedish one I follow who have addressed it). Also, when you say you are trying to bridge the gap, is it between White American women and American Indian women?
I've also lived in Berlin (Germany) for a bit, so I'm speaking of broader East v. West, white versus non-white.
I agree with your latter comment, which is more nuanced - the part about the first longer comment you left that I disagreed with was the broadness of it. I agree that both white women and Indian culture have a lot of work left - different types of work. I mean, we also have to acknowledge that within Indian culture, our men have a lot of work to do in recognizing how harmful the culture can be for women. Agree that privilege makes learning & change more difficult.
What I mean by "bridges" is that I try to write with nuance so as not to alien anyone. eg., I want to call attention to things like racism and privilege, but not alienate people so they don't read what I write, to strike a balance between challenging old ideas and educating without making people as if they're the bad guy.
I agree that there's work to be done from white women (a white woman just left a comment saying my writing was the beginning of her recognizing her white fragility). When I say "bridges", that's the sort of impact i'm looking to have. I've had other white folks and men say they've learned a lot from my writing/work here, and in real life. I want to have that type of impact in the future - I think it's the best way to solve societal problems (racism, misogyny, etc).
Berlin is very different from say Munich or Frankfurt or even the east areas of Germany ( where BIPOC communities are not safe in Germany and open nazi behavior exists). I think you are aware of this point since you have lived in Berlin. Not countering your point just adding an extra statement here.
I am glad you are trying to spread awareness in the way you think you can make changes and even if it changes few people, as you have mentioned, it is a progressive step in right direction. So good luck with it.
Got me all the way together. I have been an exhausted survivor over the past few years — my menopause journey taking most of my attention and my soul desiring to just check out, especially given all that is going on in the world right now.
I spent several decades in advocation and support of both women and men survivors, without spending any time healing my own. Outside of sharing my stories, I have not been compelled in recent to take up any mantle.
But I see that now more than ever there is a need to return to the fight.
If not for my daughter and the countless adoptive daughters I’ve helped raise; if not for my Sons and trans Sons and adoptive Sons and how they should show up in this world for women and themselves; if not for little-me, unprotected and passed around and left to raise herself with no tools. Even if all I can muster right now is educating myself, watching, listening and finding where I can apply my own wisdom and support, at least I rejoin the fight. I forgive myself for growing weary and give myself grace for why. But I am here, I am listening, I am ready.
As far as I can tell, the rates of abuse are going up. I believe it's urgent that we fight this reality.
This is why I do what I do. This is why I write.
I agree and I appreciate you and this platform more than I can say.
Thank you!
Amazing Jo as always xxxx