I love this piece, and it makes me feel sane as a person who is very critical of both purity culture and the porn industry. It's almost impossible to be free from some kind of sexual violence under patriarchy, but framing nearly all/all interactions as negative - associated with terfdom (or being naive - as a lesbian it's scary how many people think women are automatically safe!) - is just unhelpful.
As a survivor of a variety of abuses which I referenced in vol. 1 of my memoir Erase Her:A Survivors Story I can say I appreciate everything you hit upon in this essay. So much of the abuse is closer to home and psychologically damaging. These scars last a lifetime and create tremendous obstacles to healthy, healing, happy relationships. That being said understanding erotics is a life saver in a sea of confusion regarding sexualities. It takes a lot of patience to sift through the obscurations to get to the truth of your owning yourself sexuallyβbody and soul.
Thank you for opening up the shadowy underbelly that requires the courage to heal through therapy and true grit to get to the other side of the rainbow which I'd the light at the end of this harrowing tunnelπwe have been through
I appreciate your non-clickbait approach to this topic. For me, this is a key sentence: "We as a society need to engage more with people in real life instead of getting ideas of sexuality through pornography."
About 20 years ago, I noticed a shift in male behavior toward me. I don't think it's an accident that online porn became ubiquitous at the same time. As a queer, but mostly straight-passing woman, it was baffling at first. Though being out has always come with certain stereotypical lechery, I started to get approached for sex acts with people I barely knew. One woman told me, "I'd like to introduce you to my husband, but I'm afraid he'll ask for a 3-way." No context - just out of the blue after a meeting.
Then interactions with cable guys, IT folks, landlords, ministers, etc. took on strange tones. They would beckon me to engage in what was clearly pornography-generated scenarios without any awareness whatsoever that I might find this offensive or frightening. WTF?
I also saw similar behavior from straight, married women, often friends with whom I'd invested time and energy, as one does in creating community. I'd come of age in the 80s. At that time if a straight woman showed interest/flirted, it usually meant they were seriously struggling with their sexual orientation. It was a rare event in any case.
Then it changed. My friendships with straight women far too often became precarious endeavors that confused the hell out of me and, more than once, ended painfully when it became clear that they were just "playing," (sometimes at the behest of their husbands). I'd be ghosted then when they got scared. Explanations? Nah. Apologies? Never. As a result, I keep to myself a lot these days.
The ability to differentiate between the online world/fantasy and the real one is is gone for far too many. This has huge implications for our lives - I can see it in celebrity culture and our politics but, most sadly, on our ability to make and have relationships of all kinds. Pornography is a primary driver here. I have no solutions other than making a concerted effort to voluntarily limit online exposures to fantasy of all kinds in favor of F2F interactions with real people.
Your essay is detailed, complete and nuanced. The way you explore the rape/pornography chicken or the egg relationship was very helpful. Statistics grounded your examination of the subject.
I especially like how you describe and critique the views of several great feminist thinkers and cite your resources. The importance of recognizing sexual pleasure and possibility is an essential aspect of your discussion.
Particularly distressing is how victims are further harmed by the reactions of others including other survivors, friends, misogynists, and the systems that are supposed to protect them.
I recently told a female friend about the sexual abuse of someone we both know. When relaying this information to my friend, she automatically assumed she could be lying and defended the man who was accused.
After our conversation, it occurred to me that she assumed the man denied his actions even though no one had asked if he had raped. Why do we automatically assume a rapist will deny the rape without even asking him if the event occurred? I suspect itβs because rarely if ever does a rapist admit to his actions. Why did my female friend reflexively defend the accused rapist? That illustrates the hostility faced by rape survivors who speak up.
As you write, these crimes need to be brought into the light of day. Itβs extremely tragic that reporting the crimes often causes more harm to the survivors than to the perpetrators.
Your careful, scholarly, and often courageous work shows how committed you are to doing your part to educate your readers on a wide variety of topics while always highlighting intersectional feminist thinking. Your essays often leave me feeling uncomfortable as I assimilate new information into my previous level of awareness. You make me think in new ways. Thank you!
As one of those statistics of sexual abuse, and as a queer feminist etc etc I've always been an advocate for pornography and freedom of any sexual or asexual expression. taking pleasure in my own or anothers body is totally empowering v's the power abuse in rape - be it coercion, bullying, or violent force. Rape hasnothing to do with the sexual pleasure of the perpetrator - its distanced from the body and is about power and control.
I love this piece, and it makes me feel sane as a person who is very critical of both purity culture and the porn industry. It's almost impossible to be free from some kind of sexual violence under patriarchy, but framing nearly all/all interactions as negative - associated with terfdom (or being naive - as a lesbian it's scary how many people think women are automatically safe!) - is just unhelpful.
Agreed with you on everything. People tend to go to extremes. And the whole lesbians are safe is such a dangerous attitude!
As a survivor of a variety of abuses which I referenced in vol. 1 of my memoir Erase Her:A Survivors Story I can say I appreciate everything you hit upon in this essay. So much of the abuse is closer to home and psychologically damaging. These scars last a lifetime and create tremendous obstacles to healthy, healing, happy relationships. That being said understanding erotics is a life saver in a sea of confusion regarding sexualities. It takes a lot of patience to sift through the obscurations to get to the truth of your owning yourself sexuallyβbody and soul.
" These scars last a lifetime and create tremendous obstacles to healthy, healing, happy relationships "
This is so important, and so few people realize this unless they've lived through the experience. Thank you for saying it.
Thank you for opening up the shadowy underbelly that requires the courage to heal through therapy and true grit to get to the other side of the rainbow which I'd the light at the end of this harrowing tunnelπwe have been through
Beautifully written.
Thank you so much!
I appreciate your non-clickbait approach to this topic. For me, this is a key sentence: "We as a society need to engage more with people in real life instead of getting ideas of sexuality through pornography."
About 20 years ago, I noticed a shift in male behavior toward me. I don't think it's an accident that online porn became ubiquitous at the same time. As a queer, but mostly straight-passing woman, it was baffling at first. Though being out has always come with certain stereotypical lechery, I started to get approached for sex acts with people I barely knew. One woman told me, "I'd like to introduce you to my husband, but I'm afraid he'll ask for a 3-way." No context - just out of the blue after a meeting.
Then interactions with cable guys, IT folks, landlords, ministers, etc. took on strange tones. They would beckon me to engage in what was clearly pornography-generated scenarios without any awareness whatsoever that I might find this offensive or frightening. WTF?
I also saw similar behavior from straight, married women, often friends with whom I'd invested time and energy, as one does in creating community. I'd come of age in the 80s. At that time if a straight woman showed interest/flirted, it usually meant they were seriously struggling with their sexual orientation. It was a rare event in any case.
Then it changed. My friendships with straight women far too often became precarious endeavors that confused the hell out of me and, more than once, ended painfully when it became clear that they were just "playing," (sometimes at the behest of their husbands). I'd be ghosted then when they got scared. Explanations? Nah. Apologies? Never. As a result, I keep to myself a lot these days.
The ability to differentiate between the online world/fantasy and the real one is is gone for far too many. This has huge implications for our lives - I can see it in celebrity culture and our politics but, most sadly, on our ability to make and have relationships of all kinds. Pornography is a primary driver here. I have no solutions other than making a concerted effort to voluntarily limit online exposures to fantasy of all kinds in favor of F2F interactions with real people.
Your essay is detailed, complete and nuanced. The way you explore the rape/pornography chicken or the egg relationship was very helpful. Statistics grounded your examination of the subject.
I especially like how you describe and critique the views of several great feminist thinkers and cite your resources. The importance of recognizing sexual pleasure and possibility is an essential aspect of your discussion.
Particularly distressing is how victims are further harmed by the reactions of others including other survivors, friends, misogynists, and the systems that are supposed to protect them.
I recently told a female friend about the sexual abuse of someone we both know. When relaying this information to my friend, she automatically assumed she could be lying and defended the man who was accused.
After our conversation, it occurred to me that she assumed the man denied his actions even though no one had asked if he had raped. Why do we automatically assume a rapist will deny the rape without even asking him if the event occurred? I suspect itβs because rarely if ever does a rapist admit to his actions. Why did my female friend reflexively defend the accused rapist? That illustrates the hostility faced by rape survivors who speak up.
As you write, these crimes need to be brought into the light of day. Itβs extremely tragic that reporting the crimes often causes more harm to the survivors than to the perpetrators.
Your careful, scholarly, and often courageous work shows how committed you are to doing your part to educate your readers on a wide variety of topics while always highlighting intersectional feminist thinking. Your essays often leave me feeling uncomfortable as I assimilate new information into my previous level of awareness. You make me think in new ways. Thank you!
As one of those statistics of sexual abuse, and as a queer feminist etc etc I've always been an advocate for pornography and freedom of any sexual or asexual expression. taking pleasure in my own or anothers body is totally empowering v's the power abuse in rape - be it coercion, bullying, or violent force. Rape hasnothing to do with the sexual pleasure of the perpetrator - its distanced from the body and is about power and control.